So... I saw Attack of the Clones the other night and...

Let me tell you son, those were the good old days. Here in the days of the New Republic with our heroes of the Rebellion, I just look back and shake my head. These days now that the Empire is defeated, Vader is dead, and Ewoks run amok, I long for the good ‘ole days.

Back in the Clone Wars Jedi masters were everywhere, not hiding out on backwaters waiting for the Sith Lords to die of old age. Back in the good old days they’d all load up in a starship come kick some ass. Sure, most of them would die, but there were always more Jedi, right? We also trained our Jedi properly. We didn’t dump our trainees in the backwater swamp at 19 to whine and waste Mater Yoda’s time. Back in the old days we ripped the young’uns right out of their mother’s wombs, gave them a lightsaber, and called them a Padawan learner. Twenty years of quashing any interpersonal relationships, brainwashing, and teaching them the convoluted Jedi code, and we’d turn them loose. Padawan learners snuck up on Tusken Raiders, not the other way around (and they could slaughter a whole camp too!) Didn’t hear those brats whining about a trip to Toshi Station. My Pappy always said "Start 'em young, break ’em young." Can’t rely on any Padawan started after the age of three. No wonder that Anakin boy wend plum wild on Obi-Wan.

Back in the Clone Wars we had shiny sleek ships, not these hunk’o’junks that are as incontinent as Yoda. They were aerodynamic, stocked with R2 units, and had high-tech HUDs. Not like these modern ships TIE fighters which look my Uncle Owen’s moisture vaporators.

Now that I think about it even our guns were shinier in the old days, not like these bulky pistols of today that mount scopes, for Dark Side’s Sake, who mounts a scope on a Heavy Blaster pistol? What’s wrong with the kids these days. And in the good old days, there was always a spare lightsaber around if you need one. The Jedi just carried them around en masse.

Soldiers were better in the old days too! We didn’t have all these homogenized draftees dressed in white trying to make accurate blaster marks on a Jawa sand crawlers. We had good old clones, swarthy Samoan clones from the finest genetic stock, genetically engineered to be obedient and loyal. Luke would never get away with wearing a clone warrior’s armor, they tend to notice when your brother crèche-mate is only 5’7, a full five inches shorter than his filemates. Those were the good old days, can’t buy clones like that these days.

Droids were better in the good ‘ole days! You notice that the heroes of the Rebellion keep the same Clone War Vintage droids with them the whole Saga? That’s because these modern droids aren’t worth their weight in scrap metal. Send out a modern scout droid to check out a frozen rebel base and it’s detected and destroyed in a matter of minutes. Back in the good old days we had legions of combat droids! Why some of them had fully-automatic blasters with personal shielding units. By gum, youngster! They could take a Jedi master! These days the only droid I’m scared of is IG-88, and the occasional rogue mouse droid. Who’s scared of a Treadwell? Give me a good Clone War era droid any day, keep running through a whole Saga and it’ll save your bacon any day. Did you know that my old R2 unit had rockets and could fly? They didn’t need to be picked up off the sand with a magnetic ship. Don’t see that these days whippersnapper!

I remember the villains of old! They were so much better than these new fangled Grand Admiral this and Grand Moff that. In the old days, a Sith Lord could stand in front of the entire Jedi council and bamboozle the lot of them. Lord Vader never bamboozled nobody but that silly princess he knocked up. Tarkin subtle? Hah, the closest to subtle that villain got was the old Dantooine ploy and blowing Alderaan anyway. In the old days Villains had plots and schemes and secrets, let me tell you kids, those ole’ bastards kept us on our toes!

As I enter my venerable years, I reminisce about the good ‘ole days. Doesn’t it seem to you other codgers that everything about the old days is clearer? Sharper? Um, more digital? I can remember back to seen pre-clone war era so much more clear and "enhanced" than I can the recent events of Yavin or Endor. Even my hearing was better then, everything was in THX for the clone wars, instead of the Dolby of the "modern" era. I don’t know, maybe I’m just getting older, but it seems like everything was better those days.

May the Force be with you,

=M=